When the mountains cool down, the drama heats up. I’ll admit this sounds a little petty, but: my ski partner totally cheated on me. He skied a line—our line—with some other assbag and didn’t even tell me. In fact, he played it all cool when I found out, like it wasn’t a big deal. Like he didn’t stick a dagger right in my back. Like he wasn’t a little nervous to spill the beans, because he knew I might punch him right in the face.
“Oh, yeah man, didn’t I tell you? Yeah, yeah, we rode Satan’s Nutsack on Monday. It was pretty cool. A little chalky, but really rippable. You and I should go back and do it sometime….”
Fuck you, man!
We’ve been eyeballing The Sack for two years…as a team…together. It bonded us—like when my girlfriend and I got a cat together, except I actually gave a shit about The Sack. What happened to brotherhood, loyalty and honor? Then you had this filthy tryst and didn’t even have the decency to shred it in pow!?!
What. The. Hell.
First of all, who is “we?” I’m not usually the jealous type, but decent partners are hard to find (all the good ones are taken, as they say), and I’m pretty pissed that you’re two-timing me. And Monday was my day off, motherfucker—I did laundry while you and this “other” guy ripped our line.
No call, no text, no warning. You didn’t even let me know after the fact—I had to find out here, at a bar surrounded by people. It’s humiliating. You cut me deep, bro.
Is that him? That douchenozzle by the pool table? He looks like a cheat, with his tassled beanie and flannel shirt and corduroys. Who the fuck wears corduroys? Oh. OH. Ohhhhhhh…. You cheated on me with a tele skier? Jesus H. Christ.
I hope you enjoyed every disgusting moment. I hope it was worth it. I hope you and that knee-dropping, face-planting, earth-toned sonofabitch will be very happy together—you deserve each other. We’re done, man—we’re through. We had a good thing going, and we skied a lot of shit together. It was awesome, but… wait, what did you say? Next pitcher’s on you?
Well, OK. I guess we’re cool.
Want to hit Satan’s Taint this weekend? We’ve been eyeballin’ that thing forever….